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Some thoughts on being right

After my last post, I received some wonderful private messages that led to valuable exchange. Thank you for all the reaching out! It is so good and important to be connected :-). I truly appreciate you!

I am grateful to see how many people actually resonated with the notion that issues that have been dormant within us, maybe instilled early on through storytelling by our parents, can all of a sudden open up and take on a life of their own.

I was quite stunned to see this, and also to see how hard it was to withdraw from all the pressure and craziness that i saw happening 24/7.

But here is another truth about a need or “program” that I have found to be so instrumental:

I realized the incredible need of people to be RIGHT!

While it is wonderful and important to have a point of view, to share one’s experiences, to discuss issues that impact our lives, I have never seen so many people, myself included, all of a sudden feel that they have the ultimate truth.

I’d like to suggest the thought that it might be worth exploring¬†if there is such a thing as the truth, or if truth isn’t just something very individual, based on personal experiences, beliefs and other factors that we may or may not consciously choose. What I found in my talks with hundreds of folks from all walks of life is, that when we allow ourselves to go deeper in our listening to people’s initially stated truths,¬†and really listen with interest to the person’s personal story instead, we are most likely in for a surprise.

I have often found that the need to be right is actually a need to be heard and taken seriously, to be acknowledged for real trauma, real struggle, real pain. Being right might give us the validation that we have power and are important. But what is more important for many people than being right on facts is to be confirmed that their story really happened, that it was a big deal and that, in case of a trauma, it truly was unfair and shouldn’t have happened.

So my question then became:

Would we be better off if, instead of discussing big politics for a while, we really listened to each other, assuming and knowing that the person talking, given his or her personal background, is right? Learning, acknowledging, trying to relate and honoring each other, without the immediate need to change the other person or their lives?

This is actually something we do in coaching:

We ask the right questions.

We ask the meaningful questions

We look for the missing links

We look for how a statement could be right for a person at any given time, even if the outcome is clearly not serving them

And what acknowledgment, confirmation and support might be needed, even necessary, to help them move forward.

 

I think we need to start building a society of coaches.

Coaching should be an integral part in our kids education, in parenting classes for parents of teenagers, in marriage classes, mandatory to have some tools to get through the deepers problems alive and in one piece.

If people jumped to genuinely interested and curious questions instead of hasty conclusions, and were willing to wait for the answers that are true for the other side, how different would our world look.

Coaching is not just a tool that helps people be more successful. It is a tool that helps people create powerful, responsible, respectful relationships that enrich their lives in more ways than they ever thought possible.

I am grateful for all the emails and comments that I have been receiving. Pelase never hesitate to share your thoughts with me. I am looking forward to getting to know you!

 

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