How to help a client in the "Reminder state"
Over the years, I have been able to identify four significantly different states of healing that can hold clients back from building a lucrative, transformational business. Understanding what this means and how to help them can make all the difference, not just for their income, but also for the rest of their lives.
As a business coach, I have to make sure that my clients don’t try to build a business on unresolved issues that are still haunting them and holding them back.
The most difficult stage of healing is the “Reminder state”. In this state, the client has the mindset that she is the living proof for an injustice that happened, and if she ever moved on from the pain she feels, she would condone the trauma somehow.
In my work with combat veterans I have seen many times, how soldiers hold onto the pain of loosing a buddy, because this is the only way they know how to honor his life and the way he died. Other people hold on to the pain they felt when they were abused, because they believe, often subconsciously, that if they ever let go, they would give into their perpetrator’s belief that what happened wasn’t really a big deal, or that it was even their fault.
The reason this is the most difficult stage to overcome is, because the level of self identification and even pride of self sacrifice for the cause is so great, that the person feels very resistant, sometimes even attacked by the offer to release the response to what happened. The belief that nobody will ever understand how bad it was, which is, of course true, holds them in a state of “You are either for me or against me.” “You (the practitioner) have to help me feel better, but you will never be able to fully release my pain!”
One characteristic of people in the reminder state is that they work VERY HARD on releasing their problem. They work on it every day. They go to any partitioners. They share very openly how intensely they are trying to get rid of the memories, and how bad they have been. Their trauma, at some point, becomes a prison, a life style of trying to heal, but then withdrawing back into “Nobody can help me, no matter how good they are.”
People in the reminder state have a certain sense of defensiveness around them. Their traumatic story has trained them to decide very quickly if someone is either friend or enemy, and if they feel even slightly misunderstood, they easily put even friends on the enemy side. They are used to the loneliness, and the repetitiveness of their thoughts, and deep down they see their lives as permanently altered, even though they will never give up hope.
In business, I have seen that people in the reminder state are usually not successful, as long as they buil their message on the trauma they are reminding the world of.
Instead of drawing clients that are happy to pay them what they are worth, they draw people with similar trauma, and they sister up with them.
Instead of building a business, they begin to build a support group.
As a coach, I help them understand which part of their story is ready to be turned into a business. There are parts that are truly flexible and wonderful, and many people would pay to get help from them. We don’t have to build our business on the part of us that is suffering. Instead, we can benefit from the wisdom we always had, or the wisdom that we feel very powerful and comfortable with, that is a result from overcoming our story.
The part of the story that is in reminder state, on the other hand, deserves more attention than a business plan can provide.
This part deserves compassion, as well as a vision. With skillful EFT, clients begin to see that there are many ways of honoring what happened and doing the past or people justice. This can be very challenging in the beginning, but it is truly a powerful and meaningful path.
Please let me know your thoughts!
Ingrid
Liebe Ingrid, es ist so schoen eine freundliche Deutsche zu begegnen. Ich vermisse die Deutschen unheimlich, seit ich vor 38 Yahren nach Amerika gezogen bin .
Heute morgen bin ich ueber deinen EFT video gestoelpert und habe endlich verstanden wie das geht. Ich habe probiert das model genau zu folgen, aber wurde frustriert davon. Ich konnte die worte und nummern nicht coordinieren.
Aber, dein beispiel war fliessend, und das kann ich viel leichter nachahmen. Ich bedanke mich fuer das verstehen das du mit mir geteilt hast.
Hi Ruby, ich wuerde mich freuen mit Dir zu telefonieren. Schick mir eine email, und wir koennen uns gerne unterhalten. Liebe Grüße Ingrid
Pulling out weeds does not mean tomatoes will appear. A functional neural pattern is not likely to disappear, but only be bypassed by a new pattern. Maybe it’s not loyalty to the past injustice but a trend of injury and lack of positive reinforcement for the new direction. Vice Lombardi: Fatigue makes cowards of us all. Great work, though. Thanks.
Very interesting post. I had a friend years and years ago ask me, “how long do you think you want to stay attached to your suffering-how long do you want to believe that you are BECAUSE of your suffering?”. I only more recently understood what she meant.
It is a tough battle “deep down they see their lives as permanently altered, even though they will never give up hope.” Re-learning, or learning for the first time to be vulnerable, and to trust even in the face of difficulty or frustration is a pretty tricky business. I have to think it is really what deep down is what causes the person to never give up hope, and to try VERY hard. We know that is what/where/how we really wish to be or how we are really meant to be, that it’s possible, our right, and real. “Even though”, things do get tough, and will be difficult or upsetting, we can and ARE that other person with the ability to have that other life and sense of self. We need some faith, some skills, some positive feedback, and a more objective view of our own selves… to give our own selves a break!
We certainly can give more than enough factual accounts/reasons for the defense attorney as to why we suffer or are held back and ‘can’t’….but are we making the best case for our happiness?
Dear Ingrid,
Wonderful writing! It’s essential for us EFT Practitioners to recognize that “state” – and sometimes we’re in it, ourselves.
It becomes a part of the identity that’s hard to release.
Thanks for writing about this, I’ll be really interested to read about the other states you talked about in your facebook comment.
Love,
Liesel
This makes such sense Ingrid. Thanks for sharing.